


Without You Is How I Disappear

by PagebyPaige



Series: I Swear I'm Coming Back [1]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff with Angst, M/M, Post MCR, Reunions are what keep me alive, This was inspired by a fic I read and I wanted to write a different ending for, i don't know how to tag someone teach me please, resolved angst, they need each other, together again at long last :))
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-09-30 18:53:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10169528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PagebyPaige/pseuds/PagebyPaige
Summary: I read an amazing fic that I thought was a mcr reunion fic that ended up being heart-shattering angst. Long story short, I decided I would rewrite the fic myself and end it the way I wished it had ended.*I think this might be the best thing I've ever written, thanks to my beta





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Narrissic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narrissic/gifts), [Deadly_Sirius](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deadly_Sirius/gifts).



> DISCLAIMER: For all the angry readers who want to yell at me, I credited the original author okay? The ending is all me though, but go read that fic!! It's really good and one of my personal favorite angst fics.
> 
> Also disclaimer: For the sake of this fic, Jamia and Lily and Cherry and Miles never existed and Gerard and Lindsey are split. Okay? Okay.
> 
> Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically, Frank is going through some things and he needs his best friend if he's going to survive them. This time, though, Gerard might not be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst... TW for self loathing, suicidal thoughts, depression, etc.

It was the worst thing that ever could've happened.

The only thing keeping Frank alive was gone, and now it was killing him. If things didn't get better today, Frank was going to die.

Every day for weeks, Frank kept the same mantra. If things didn't get better, he would die. So far, he was getting closer and closer.

He'd gotten so bad that he decided to fly out to California. If he didn't make things better, Frank would die.

Frank kicked at the dust beneath his feet where he stood at the front door of his best friend. Some best friend he was, someone who didn't even return Frank's calls anymore.

Finally, Frank knocked gently at the white-painted door. Who was he kidding? Gerard had a family, a daughter. He wouldn't want Frank back in his life. Of course, Frank had to be right.

"Oh, hi Frank." Gerard looked older now, his fiery "Danger Days hair" faded to a dark orange. His tone was clearly annoyed, exactly what Frank feared.

"S-sorry, am I interrupting?" Frank cursed himself for stuttering.

Gerard sighed. "It's fine, Frank. Just, what do you want?"

"I was just wondering if you, um, wanted to reconnect some time? I haven't seen you in a while..." Frank trailed off. It was a stupid idea, anyways. Gerard had a life, a solo career. He didn't need Frank.

"Sorry Frank. It's just that, well, I don't think that it's a good idea for us to be friends right now." Not even friends? Frank thought back to the fierce kisses, the screaming lyrics, him playing until his fingers bled. They were so close, and now they couldn't even be friends.

"Oh, okay. Well, um, bye then."

"Frank." Gerard stopped him. Frank let himself hope. "If you have some time, there's a nice little soda fountain type place, really cute and all, and you should probably hit it before you leave town."

"O-okay, I'll check it out."

"Bye Frank."

"Bye Gerard."

Frank left, feeling worse than when he got there. They one man who could fix him had somehow made him worse. If things didn't get better, Frank was going to kill himself.

Frank thought back to the past five, no, six years since he had lost the band. He had tried to make music on his own, but so far that was failing spectacularly. He couldn't play a guitar without thinking of Gerard's perfect voice singing the vocals it should've been matching.

The truth was, Frank was just as upset about the breakup as the fans, though they didn't know that, of course. He hated it. He hated everything. The band had been his everything: it was a distraction from all of his many flaws, his failures. Gerard had survived alcoholism, addiction, attempted suicide, everything because of the band, but suddenly now he couldn't stand to be around Frank anymore. Frank thought Gerard had needed the band as much as he did, but apparently not.

It was probably just another thing Frank had fucked up. Still himself, Frank did everything Gerard asked of him. That meant he did indeed visit the soda fountain, which was of course in a drugstore. Sitting on a stool on the far end of the counter, he was left alone. If today didn't get better, he would kill himself. He looked around at all the different pill bottles lined up neatly on shelves. Any variety of things in there could've been deadly. On a whim, Frank picked up his phone and scrolled through his contacts. Scrolling past all the familiar names, Frank reached one he hadn't looked at in a long while. If he was going to die, he might as well indulge himself. Frank hit call and raised his phone to his ear.

"Frank?"

"Hey Ray."

"Hi Frank. What can I do for you?"

"Are those cars in the background? Ray, if you're busy..."

"Well if it's urgent Frank..."

"No, no. It's not a problem. I'll call you back later?"

"Sure thing. Why don't you call Gerard? I'm sure he'd be able to help with whatever you need, unless it's guitar chords." They both laughed, but Frank wasn't sure if he was laughing at Ray's comment or the absurdity of his question.

"Sure, why not. Bye Ray."

"See ya, Frank."

Frank clicked his phone off and sat quietly, musing to himself. Maybe he would call Gerard. If today didn't get better, Frank would die.

The first time he tried, Gerard didn't even pick up. Feeling desperate, Frank tried again. And again. On probably the third or fourth time, Gerard finally answered.

"Frank, for God's sake. You need to stop calling me, I said we shouldn't talk right now!" Without a word, Frank hung up.

Frank knew he shouldn't have bothered Gerard. He was just generally a failure. He had stopped taking his meds because they weren't working. He stopped picking up his guitar because he no longer found joy in playing. He knew, secretly, the only thing that would fix him. He still loved Gerard, and the band. He needed both if he was ever going to be okay again. Just like so many of their fans, the band had saved his life. Just like every teenager ever had said, the band understood him.

Frank took out a pair of earbuds and scrolled through the music on his phone. Yes, he had My Chem in his music. How couldn't he? Playing it on stage or listening like a fan, Frank needed the music. This time, though, the music wasn't enough for him. He still felt the aching in his heart because they weren't going back in next week to record the new material, they weren't going back on tour in a few days. MCR was done, just like Gerard said.

Suddenly angry, Frank yanked the earbuds out of his ears. His throat was tight; he didn't trust himself to speak. Frank made the decision: today had gone to shit, and he was going to die. He walked out, almost in a daze, and got back in his car. He drove in vaguely the direction he came from, stopping only when he reached a bridge.

He got out and walked. There was no question to him that he deserved this. He only joined the band because he thought the lead singer was cute, after all. He was only in the band because they needed an "extra guy" to help out Ray. Frank wasn't necessary. He meant nothing to the guys, and they didn't need him. Gerard denied all rumors of them being together after it had ended, although Frank's feelings were still very clearly present.

Frank reached the side of the bridge, and climbed up the side railing. As he stood, teetering on top, he brought back his worst fear. _Gerard never loved you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst attempt... tell me how I did. Also, pass or flop on that cliffhanger?
> 
> Please tell me what you think and if I should write some legit, heart-wrenching angst or fluff or whatever. Just comment or message me on tumblr or something and give me suggestions.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is where I decided I needed to stop crying and wrote my own ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy fluff fluff bc that's all I can write
> 
> Enjoy!

Frank wobbled where he stood, his legs shaking and his feet trembling against the side of the bridge. He was so unsteady that he promptly fell backwards, his intent for the bridge struck from his mind when he saw the person he least expected to see walking towards him. He fell through the arms that tried to catch him, promptly on to the pavement. He must've spent a lot more time walking than he thought, considering who he saw.

Gerard gingerly lifted the smaller man up by his arms, pulling him into a tight hug. Silently, Gerard walked him back, past his car. Confused, Frank looked up. How he could've missed it, he had no idea, but the bridge couldn't have been more than a couple hundred yards from Gerard's house.

\---

All Gerard saw as they walked back was Frank careening forward, tumbling over the side of the bridge. He couldn't believe he had let it come to this. What was he even doing, living alone with Bandit in the middle of California? He should've been in Jersey, making music with his favorite people in the world. Gerard didn't find happiness away from the band. He felt just as he did back in 2001, hopeless and alone. He needed his band just as much now as he did then. And he knew Frank did too.

Frank. He needed Frank. He missed the tiny man's smile, his never-ending energy when they played. He missed sharing a tiny bunk because neither of them could sleep, Mikey grumbling when the vocalist was woken up next to his rhythm guitarist. Gerard missed the crowds, his songs, his friends, and Frank. Gerard missed everything about MCR, but he couldn't quite bring himself to admit it.

\---

They reached Gerard's house, both men were crying, and Gerard kicking at the ground as they walked. Without even a discussion, Gerard booked tickets for three back to New Jersey. Gerard called his brother, arranging for him, Frank, and Bandit to stay with Mikey for now. Until then, Frank would stay with Gerard and Bandit.

"Why?" Frank broke the heavy silence, his voice cracking under the weight of the word.

"Why what?" Gerard tried his best not to snap back, but his voice was still strung taut.

"Why are you coming?"

"Frank, I hope you realize that I need it just as much as you do. I talked to Mikey about it a while ago, and he's all for it. Ray will of course be on board, and obviously we need you. Plus, I need to go back to Jersey too."

Frank was blown completely away by how well Gerard read him. To his surprise, Gerard wrapped an arm securely around his shoulders.

"Frankie," Frank's cheeks were tinted rose just from the nickname. "I need you. It's been six years, and I can't do this anymore. If you're up for it, I want to try again."

"W-with the band, or..." Frank trailed off, too afraid of hoping to utter the remainder of his question.

"Both." Gerard answered, giving Frank everything he had been needing for six years in one word.

Frank flipped around to where he faced Gerard and locked his arms tightly behind the taller man's head. Gerard's slipped easily around Frank's back, pulling him close. Frank raised himself up on his tiptoes and kissed Gerard, just as easily as it was twelve years earlier. His fingers knotted themselves in Gerard's hair, and he pulled back to breathe.

"Keep your hair long?"

"Only if you lose the mustache."

Frank smiled against Gerard's lips as the two kissed once again.

"So, the new album." Frank loved the words against his lips. "Is there a theme? A hair color?" Gerard giggled and Frank felt it as his body shook gently.

"I don't know yet, but at least I'll be doing it with you." Frank now had his face buried in Gerard's chest (because at 5'6" he was the perfect chest-burying height) and Gerard could feel his smile.

At that moment Bandit came running in. The ten-year-old looked so different from when Frank had last seen her at age four.

"Dad?" She cocked her head at Gerard, whose arms were still around Frank.

"Bandit, this is Frank. You remember him, right?" To Frank's surprise, Bandit's eyes lit up with recognition.

She turned to point at Frank. "You let me play your guitar!"

"Yeah, I did."

"But why are you here?" Bandit was of course confused as to why he was in her house, wrapped around her father.

"I-" Frank was at a loss for words. Gerard came to his rescue.

"Bandit, Frank is my best friend and I really missed him so he came back. In fact, we're going to take a trip with him in just a couple days! Until then, he's gonna stay with us, okay?" Bandit nodded her understanding and then proceeded to shock everyone in the room with spontaneity present only in the inexplicable mind of a ten-year-old.

"Do you love him?" Both Gerard and Frank's jaws dropped.

"Do I- do I love him?" Gerard was obviously caught off guard, and the room was dead silent. Then Frank felt Gerard's grip tighten around him as he said, "Yes, I think I do."

"Good." Bandit seemed satisfied with herself and went back to wherever she had come from.

Frank looked up at Gerard.

"Really?" He asked the taller man tentatively.

"Yes. Frank Iero, I love you." By then, Frank was smiling so much that he could barely respond when Gerard kissed him once again.

\---

Frank helped Gerard make dinner, clean up, put Bandit to bed, and even hummed softly in the background as Gerard sang her to sleep. He noticed immediately with a grin what the "lullaby" was. _Demolition Lovers_. Of course Gerard would sing to his ten-year-old daughter his own song which was by now almost double her age. _Wow,_ Frank thought, _that song is 18 years old. Holy shit._

After making sure she was soundly sleeping, Frank and Gerard shuffled slowly together towards Gerard's bedroom. At the door, Frank started to turn back, to sleep on the couch. Gerard grabbed his shoulder, steering Frank into his bedroom. As soon as they crossed the threshold, Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank's neck, pulling him close.

"I don't know what I was thinking, earlier." Gerard sounds so completely done with himself. He looks at the floor in shame. Frank hooks a finger under his chin and tilts his head back up, even though now he can't look Gerard in the eye anymore.

"Gerard... I wish I could say it's okay, but I don't really know what you were thinking either. To be fair, though, I'm sorry too."

"No, Frank, I've been there. I know how it feels to be that desperate. I never should have let things go this far, I shouldn't have pushed you away."

"Why did you then?" Frank's question was nearly absorbed into the soft material of Gerard's t-shirt. He thought at first that Gerard didn't even hear it when from above his head came the almost mumbled reply.

"I couldn't let myself love you." Certainly not the response Frank was expecting.

"Why's that?"

"I convinced myself it was just rebound, after my split with Lindsey." Gerard sighed, preparing himself for what he would say next. "Truth be told, I couldn't admit it but Lindsey was rebound for _you_." Frank blushed gently against Gerard's chest. "I didn't know how to function after we broke up, so I got with a girl. Then, I felt guilty when I married her and all I could think about was how much I wished it was you. I couldn't look at you anymore without thinking about that, so I split up the band. That just hurt me and you even more, and by then I was an emotional wreck. Lindsey and I weren't working out, so we ended it. The only good thing about life was Bandit. After all that, it seemed like you wanting to come back into my life was just life playing a cruel joke on me, when I obviously forgot that you never intended to leave it in the first place-" Frank interrupted Gerard's monologue by crashing their lips together again. When they pulled apart, Frank said his piece.

"Gerard, it's okay. We've both been through some tough shit in the past few years. What I know is that you saved my life today. What I also know is that MCR saved all of our lives, and I think it has the potential to do that again. Lastly, I've waited almost ten years to kiss you again, and I'm not letting that go to waste. I never wanted to leave in the first place, and I'm sure as hell not leaving now." Frank grabs his hand and drags them both to Gerard's bed. "Gerard, I joined MCR because I loved it and I loved you. Both of those things are still true today, so let's go back to Jersey and fix what never should've been broken in the first place." Frank finished _his_ speech, looking rather proud of himself. Gerard laughed.

"Okay, well if we're done giving novel-worthy speeches, I'd like to get back to kissing you." Frank lay in the bed of his (ex)ex-boyfriend, the two of them curled around each other, the happiest they'd both been in probably six years. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whelp that happened... idk what I'm doing as you can tell but I like the bandit encounters and stuff...


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive guys I promised I'd be back

They were woken up way too early by an eager Bandit demanding pancakes.

"Okay, okay! I'm coming!" Gerard dragged himself out of bed and Frank trailed after him. Gerard started the pancakes on the stove and Frank took Bandit into the living room.

"Hey, you." He poked her nose. She regarded him with the same indifferent sass as her father, and Frank couldn't help but laugh. Finally, she sat down next to Frank.

"Frank?"

"Yes Miss Bandit?" She smirked at the title.

"Are you gonna be my new dad?" Frank was taken aback by Bandit's probing questions once again, asking him things even his mind was too afraid to wonder.

"No!" Her face fell. "Gerard will always be your dad!" She contemplated for a moment before speaking again.

"I can have two dads." Her tone was defiant and her words made Frank smile, imagining himself as her father.

"Would you want me to be your dad?" Bandit nodded emphatically, looking like the three-year-old she was when they first met in person. "What about your mom?" Frank wondered what the ten-year-old thought of her mother. Frank noticed that the usually blunt child looked at a loss for words, an indistinguishable look passing over her face and instead asked the question he'd been dying to ask. "Well, then... why would you want me to be your dad?"

Frank watched the young girl closely, eager and nervous for her answer. She cocked a hand on her hip and her eyes reflected confidence: whatever she was about to say, she knew she was right. Frank was admittedly afraid of what might come out of her unfiltered mouth, but he let her speak. "I think you love my dad, and parents love each other." Bandit's statement had an air of finality to it, and Frank was speechless.

"Well, um... yes, those are both facts..." Frank turned pink, but his blush immediately deepened when he saw Gerard leaning casually against the doorway, trying to suppress a grin.

"Pancakes are ready," Gerard's giggle almost came through his voice. Bandit ran eagerly into the kitchen and Gerard advanced on Frank. "Seems like Miss B is quite the little matchmaker, huh?" Frank turned even deeper red and he couldn't keep his hands to himself anymore. He put them to good use wrapping around Gerard's torso and softly pressing their lips together. They barely pulled apart and Frank could see Gerard's insecurity in his eyes.

"Did you really mean it?" Gerard was worrying. Of course he was.

"Gee, I love you. So much. And you just saved my fucking life so just kiss me, damn it." Frank smashed their lips together again and shoved Gerard up against the doorframe he'd been leaning against.

"Frank," Gerard said against his lips, panting, his warm breath on Frank's face. "We've gotta go eat." Frank pulled back reluctantly, taking Gerard's hand and walking into the kitchen where he found a happy looking Bandit sitting contentedly in front of what used to be a stack of pancakes. She had an absolute shit eating grin on her face and Frank couldn't help but think about that look on his own face after pulling pranks on the guys on tour.

Gerard cleaned Bandit up and sent her running upstairs back to her room and then sat down with Frank at the kitchen table. Frank felt a sudden anger flash through his body, fast and hot. He looked up at Gerard, his fist clenching.

"Why did you do it?" Frank's voice was bordering on a snarl. Gerard looked up, shocked.

"Do what?" He put his coffee mug down, ready to listen.

"Why did you really bring me back here, huh? Did you pity me? Is that it? Is that why you're doing all of this?" Frank was inexplicably furious, and he felt betrayed.

Gerard was obviously confused by the sudden outburst but tried his best to calm the younger man.

"Frank, I told you before. I've fucking missed you, okay? I didn't want to get into something I couldn't pull myself out of, but just like before I'm willing to risk it. Frank, I love you, okay? You are quite literally the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"Gerard, I- shit," Frank let his head drop into his hands, his elbows resting on the table. "Sorry, I just... it feels too good to be true, y'know?" Even in the midst of the tension, Gerard was grinning.

"It always felt like that to me, Frankie." Frank couldn't help but grin back.

"I don't deserve you, Gerard."

"And I don't deserve you, or a second chance. Yet here you are giving them both to me, so I'm taking advantage of it," Gerard said, kissing him. When they pulled apart, Gerard had a question.

"Still have that custom Phant-o-Matic?" Frank chuckled.

  
"Which one?"

"Any that you didn't beat to shit?"

"Yeah, I've got a couple." Gerard shook his head. Admittedly, Frank probably beat every guitar and mic stand he ever played with to shit. He doesn't play quite like that anymore. Lacking the motivation, he supposed.

"Then we better get our asses to Jersey, huh?"

"Yeah, in just a minute..." Frank went back to kissing Gerard. Jersey could wait.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me what you think and if I should write some legit, heart-wrenching angst or fluff or whatever. Just comment or message me on tumblr or something and give me suggestions.
> 
> THANK YOU TONI YOU SAVED THIS FIC


End file.
